By now you know that Oprah has decided not to run for president in 2020.
Obviously she heard that I was planning to run and knew she had no chance of beating me for the Democratic nomination.
That pretty much clears the way for a head-to-head showdown between me and President Donald Trump.
And I’m going to out-Trump Trump. And kick some Trump rump in 2020.
So Trump’s response to school shootings is to arm the teachers? How lame. As president I would change the Three R’s to “Rifles, Revolvers and Reload.”
Oh, and what’s this about Trump saying he’d run into the building to save people even if he didn’t have a gun? Keep dreaming, President Bone Spurs! Your five Vietnam era deferments tell us all he need to know about your heroism.
Now, me? I’d be a real hero. I’d pee on the Towering Inferno until it was out. I’d make Hillary Clinton the prisoner of Azkahban. I’d order the Department of Justice to find out who let the dogs out – and who wrote the book of love.
If Russia tries to meddle in our election, I’d send Jason Bourne over there to put an end to it. If Putin doesn’t like it, he can eat borscht.
Speaking of eating, I’d sign an executive order to force skinny girls to eat a damn sandwich once in a while. A lot of people who are unemployed could find work making sandwiches at Subway if the millions of skinny women in America would eat a sandwich once a week.
It’s all liberal Hollywood’s fault. They convince women that they have to be stick-thin to catch Harvey Weinstein’s eye, or that all men have to be muscle-bound hunks.
That ain’t real life, folks. It real life you think you’re finding a Hugh Jackman on Tinder and when you meet in person he’s more like a Huge Jack O’ Lantern.
Not to mention how Hollywood’s violent movies have caused an increase in the crime rate. It’s subliminal. Let your kid watch a Road Runner movie and the next thing you know he’s at Wal-Mart trying to buy an ACME bomb kit.
I’m as concerned about illegal aliens as anyone. As your president I would fund NASA and order it to do a thorough exploration of all known planets. We don’t want any illegal aliens from bleephole worlds.
Illegal aliens cause lots of problems in America. Look at all the carnage caused by Loki! And, have you forgotten that Alf ate cats?
Speaking of cats, as president I’d make it illegal to dress your cats and dogs in clothes. If God wanted them to have clothes He’d have given them a work ethic so they could earn money and buy their own.
The only exception would be if your pet wore a shirt reading “I’m with stupid!”
You know what else is stupid? SUSHI. It’s bait and switch, literally.
They plop raw fish on your plate, give it a foreign-sounding name and charge you triple the price. Outrageous! Would you go to a restaurant that shoved a plate of raw roadkill in front of you and charged you $39.99 for Beegushi?
The final reason you should vote for me is a question of honesty.
Let’s face it, President Trump can’t open his mouth with lying. But I keep my mouth shut as I lie to myself.
Every time I look in the mirror, I think “I’m sexy and I know it.” But I never say it out loud. That would be grounds for impeachment.
So the choice will be obvious in 2020: vote for a man who lies to you; or one who lies to himself.
See you at the inauguration!