The Amazing Writer-Man?

So I’m trying to prepare for my role in the Amazing Author’s tour in February.

I have already have the author part down, so right now I just have to work on being amazing. How hard can that be, right?

I mean Spider-Man is amazing, and all he did was get bitten by a radioactive spider. How much talent does that take?

My plan is to do a brief stand-up comedy routine. This will be something new for me. Back in high school when I wanted to hear someone laugh, I’d ask a girl on a date.

Now I’ll have to get serious about being funny.

Some people tell me that it must take a lot of courage to stand up in front of audience. The way I see it, I can’t lose.

On the way to the gigs – three Colorado towns in three nights – I’ll stop and buy some lettuce and bacon. That way, if I bomb and the audience throws tomatoes at me, I can use them to make some BLTs.

But I won’t bomb. I can feel it in the air, this is my destiny.

I’m on my way to becoming a celebrity. Can People magazine’s sexiest man alive be far behind?

Becoming a celebrity can be intimidating, but I think I can handle it. I mean, you just follow the basic rules of stardom.

First, you must remember to be nice to the little people. No problem, there. I’ve always liked little people, ever since “The Wizard of Oz.” It’s the flying monkeys that scare me.

Then you need to get some “Yes Men” together. I’ll probably have to shop at Yes Men R Us to find just the right ones. Not everyone will say “yes” when you suggest having bacon-wrapped Twinkies for breakfast.

And, finally, you can’t be a celebrity unless you date a Kardashian family member. I’ve got my eyes on you, Caitlyn.

It is definitely happening, folks. I can feel it coming together.

Why, I’m already trying to decide what to do for my first celebrity scandal. Mel Gibson ruined the whole anti-Jewish rant, so I can’t go that route. Besides, some of my best friends are Jewish, and they’re very nice people.

I could rag on Australia, though. Maybe an anti-koala rant? I mean they look so cuddly, but their claws are very sharp. And what the hell is a duck-billed platypus, anyway?

Then, when people get mad at me, I can explain away my anti-Australia feelings by saying, “A dingo ate my baby.”

I’m really liking the possibilities.

There’s one catch, though. So far I don’t actually have a stand-up routine. But, I’m working on that.

I’ve been watching some of my all-time favorite comedians for inspiration; like Bob Hope, Don Rickles, Moms Mabley and George Carlin. And some others, such as Eddie Izzard, Jay Leno, Gabriel Iglesias and Louis C.K.

Oh, and I almost forgot, Rodney Dangerfield, too. Man, I tell you, he doesn’t get any respect. No respect at all.

I like some other comedians – Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor and Amy Shumer – but they’re not as PG as I want to be. There might be kids in the audience, and I don’t want to waste any poop jokes. Besides, the young ones might not know where Nantucket is.

There is still some time before I have to take the stage, so hopefully I’ll have a killer act to perform.

Or a lot of BLTs to eat.

You know, maybe it’s not too late to get bitten by a radioactive author. That way I could bill myself as the Amazing Writer-Man.